Musings of an Inquisitor Intern
by Krys1
Summary: Sequel to “Musings of a Daily Planet Intern”. Chloe is interning for the rest of the summer at the Inquisitor, and gets locked in Lex Luthor’s closet.
1. Closet Epiphanies

**Title:** Musings of an Inquisitor Intern

**Author:** Krys

**Email:** firerebellion@yahoo.com

**Category:** Chloe humor

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Smallville, then Chloe would be the star of the show and be together with Lex. But since it's pretty obvious I don't, I'm just going to sit here at my little computer and pout.

**Author's Notes:** Just so no one's confused, I envisioned the Inquisitor to be located somewhere in the Luthor mansion. Whether I'm wrong or not, I don't really care. The story is more fun this way. I've been in the mood to write humor recently, so here you go. A second installment of the "Musings" series. Will there be a third? Perhaps. I would need some reviews to convince me though (hint, hint). Enjoy… or not. Once again, feedback is more than welcome.

**Summary:** Sequel to "Musings of a Daily Planet Intern". Chloe is interning for the rest of the summer at the Inquisitor, and gets locked in Lex Luthor's closet.

*

 Who knew that epiphanies could come to one while they're locked in the closet of the Inquisitor? Okay, so maybe it wasn't the Mother Theresa type of an epiphany -- considering that mine had to do with far less-than-innocent thoughts -- but an epiphany nevertheless. Anyway, my epiphany would be _much _more fun, especially since it would be at someone else's expense. A particular rich playboy who got me into this mess in the first place, to be exact. Oh yes, he was going to pay.

 I mean, all I ever wanted was a little interview. Is that too much to ask? Okay, fine. So maybe I shouldn't have been following him around secretly (I refuse to call it "stalking"), and just maybe I shouldn't have gone through his computer files (I refuse to call it "snooping"). I mean, was it my fault the laptop was just lying there, taunting me to open it? No. It's not like Lex's office was locked or anything. Well, if you count a little one in the doorknob. Okay, okay – the damn thing was dead bolted from top to bottom! Hell, the freaking Nazis wouldn't be able to get through it. Lucky for me though, I happen to have had a lock pick on hand. You know, just in case.

 All I was doing was looking for a little tidbit of information. Just a tiny, microscopic fact or two that would have every newspaper in the country after my reporting skills. Future headlines flashed before my very eyes:

 "Smallville Reporter Discovers Lex Luthor to be Alien"

 "Inquisitor Intern Uncovers Billionaire's Evil Plot to Take over World"

 "Former Daily Planet Intern Begged to Return After Luthor Expose"

 Have a nice ring to them, don't they? I thought so too. Key word here being _thought._ I'm not so sure now after being stuck in this small, dark closet for what must have been hours. All night even. Hell, it's probably the middle of next week for all I know.

 I press the glow button on my watch. It reads ten-thirty. Hmph.

 I sigh and lean against the wall. Lex sure keeps a lot of Armani suits in here. Well, fine, maybe I can't exactly see if they're Armani or not, but I have a feeling they all are. Call it reporter's intuition. While trying to read the label on the back of the jacket with my handy watch light (and having no success at that), I accidentally knock it off the hanger. I apologize to it, then slap myself across the face. You know you're losing it when you begin talking to an Armani suit… no matter how interesting it may seem.

 I begin to drift off to sleep, despite the situation I'm in. I guess I was so tired that I didn't even hear the door to the office opening. But I _did_ hear the voices rather loudly outside the closet door. I mean, sheesh. What does a girl have to do to get some sleep around here? I was just about to yell at them to quiet down when I bit my tongue. That probably wouldn't be a good idea. Besides, I don't think I'm exactly in any position to make demands right now.

 I silently pray that it isn't the guards who locked me in here earlier. Oh, you're probably wondering how Lex Luthor is responsible, huh? Well, if he had been ever-so-kind as to give me an interview in the first place, then I never would have had to resort to such undignified means to get a scoop. See? Cause and effect. Take that, Luthor. 

 Oh, wait. _I'm_ the one here locked in a closet. Plan did not work out as planned. Must resort to Plan B: revenge. Lex is _so _going down when I get out of here, I assure you that. I'm thinking front-page news at the Torch come school year. No, scratch that. I'm thinking third-page news at the Smallville Press. No, wait. The Daily Planet's gossip column. Argh. Maybe Plan B needs some more work.

 I press my ear against the door, attempting to hear what the guards are talking about. They better let me out, or they're going to have one major pissed off investigative reporter on their hands. Not a good thing, I guarantee you.

 All of a sudden, I feel my heart stop. My eyes widen at what I refuse to believe I am hearing. No. No, no, no! Oh _for the love of god, _no! Please do not be happening. Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?

 An audible moan reaches my ears, and I cringe in horror. Why, oh why, do I seem to get myself into these things? Things that only seem to happen to Chloe Sullivan? Maybe it's that Wall of Weird. Bad karma or something.

 It's now that I'm wishing it were the guards in Lex's office, not two lovesick employees using Lex's office for their own enjoyment. I mean, c'mon. Get a room people. A motel can't be _that_ far away. Leave already before I become emotionally scarred by this experience… if I'm not already, that is.

 Then a thought hits me like a jolt of lightening. This is _Lex Luthor's_ office, located in the Inquisitor area that's closed off at night except to _Lex Luthor, _and I'm pretty sure no one but _Lex Luthor_ has the keys to all thirty seven locks on the damn door. Putting two and two together, I bang my forehead against the door in agony. Then I silently hope that they didn't hear the thump that cause. The way things seemed to be going, I seriously doubt they would have heard a nuclear explosion go off.

 Well, Lex might. After all, he has his precious ego to protect. An explosion might be linked to LuthorCorp. Bad publicity. Wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? 

 Me? Bitter about the non-interview? Now what would give you that idea?

 A "Yes, Lex, yes! Don't stop…_"_ reaches my ears, interrupting my silent rant. A mental image of a woman rubbing Lex's shiny bald head appears in my mind before I force it away. I think I'm going to be sick. Could my life get any worse?

 Apparently, someone up there doesn't like me, for it gets worse. 

 I hear footsteps getting louder, definitely approaching the closet.

 Backing away from the door as quickly as possible without tripping over any more Armani or Armani knock-off suits, I say over and over in my head 'Please don't open the door. Please don't open the door. _For the sweet love of Jesus, _please don't open the door!' like a mantra.

 And what happens?

 He opens the damn door.

 So much for that interview, huh?

THE END


	2. Plan B

**Author's Notes: **I didn't originally plan to continue this fic, but being told that I was very cruel to leave it off where I did, here's a second chapter with chlexy goodness. Hope you like it.

*

 If you asked me if I thought it was possible to experience two epiphanies in one night, I would have looked at you like you just told me that Smallville was a normal town. But now, with Lex standing here in front of me (and shirtless, mind you), I just may have been made a believer.

 It only took a second for Lex's shock to wear off before demanding what the hell I was doing. Can't blame him really. I mean, it's not every day you find a girl in your closet. Well, with Lex, you can never be sure. Who knows how many times he's had girls in his office late at night. Stopping myself before my thoughts drift to the gutter again, I lean against the doorframe and try to act nonchalant, like it was a perfectly normal thing to be here.

 "Hey, Lex, what's goin' on?"

 He just crosses his well-toned arms (what? I'm just observant!), all the while staring me down. Damn, he looks mightily pissed off. And _very _sexy. I conclude that he should be shirtless and pissed off more often. Does anyone object? Didn't think so.

 "Um, I was just… looking for… my coat!" I finished rather lamely. I flash him one of my trademark grins; the kind of grin I use at school or with my father to get off the hook.

 "Really? In _my _closet?" He looks more amused than pissed off now, which I take as a good sign. His blonde lady friend, on the other hand, doesn't look too pleased at this sudden interruption. 

 "Lex, darling, can't you just be rid of her? I'm getting quite bored," the mystery woman sighs while looking condescendingly at me. I decide to instantly hate her. Bitch.

 "Actually, Cecile, I have some work to do," Lex coolly replies, taking his eyes off of me and glancing towards his desk. "I'm sure you understand."

 Cecile just straightens out her skirt and struts out without a word. I start to feel relieved, thinking that Lex would just dismiss me too on account of being busy with work. With my luck, maybe he'll just forget all about this little incident. If things go well, I might even get the interview I've wanted! Now all I have to do is make it home before he fires me from the Inquisitor. 

 "Well, it's been fun, but I'll just be heading out…" I say awkwardly while stepping out of the closet.

 I move to leave the room, but Lex quickly blocks my path with his arm against the wall. I know I should be a little intimidated, but it's hard when his body is mere inches from mine. And he's shirtless. Did I mention that?

 "So what _really_ brings you here tonight Miss Sullivan?" Lex looks down at me.

 If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Lex was quite enjoying watching me squirm. Well, two can play this game.

 I look him right in the eyes and give him a sly smile.

 "Well, if you must know…" I lean in closer towards him while still keeping a fair distance between us. "I thought I'd wait here for you tonight."

 "In the closet?" He quirks up an eyebrow, looking doubtful yet intrigued.

 "There was a 'misunderstanding' and I accidentally got locked in there." I explain while putting on my best innocent face and batting my eyelashes. Something I learned from the angelic Lana, of course. Not once have I ever seen that girl get in trouble. But then again, she would never have gotten herself locked in Lex's closet.

 "I see. Well, I'm here now. What do you want?"

 'I want _you,_' I think to myself, and hope that I didn't say it aloud. 

 "I want… um, to tell you…" I stutter instead.

 Lex slowly moves closer to me. "Yes?" He prods while smirking, and it becomes perfectly clear that he knows the effect he has on me right now. Bastard.

 I decide at this very moment that here's my chance to get even for earlier. Plan B is now official. Closing the distance between us, I brush up ever-so-slightly against him. 

 "I wanted to tell you that I really _really_ want…" I seductively whisper while gripping his navy tie. Was it my imagination, or did he just lick his lips?

 "You want what Chloe?" 

 I'm taken back by how husky his voice sounds, but quickly recover. No way would I let him win this one. I lean my mouth towards his ear and blow.

 "I want… No, I _need…"_

 He makes a low noise in the back of his throat, and I smile triumphantly. 

 "…an interview."


	3. Cappuccinos, Lattes and Tequila

*

I watch amusedly as Lana drops the full tray of coffees, spilling scolding brown liquid in every which direction. People in the Talon don't even bother turning around anymore since this is an everyday occurrence. It's no secret that the girl isn't very good at managing a café. I mean, how difficult is it to remember _French vanilla cappuccino_, not _mocha latte_?

The only difference today is there's a reason for Lana's accident. She doesn't even bother cleaning up the mess, just simply stares at me all wide-eyed. I begin a countdown in my head, bracing myself for the shriek. Five, four, three, two, one…

"You _what_?"

And there it is. I never cease to amaze myself. "You heard me." I say while sipping my unordered latte. I cringe at the taste, but drink it anyway. Hey, at least it's free.

"But, you -- you… I mean… what?"

I roll my eyes and sigh rather dramatically. "Spit it out Lana."

"YOU WERE LOCKED IN LEX LUTHOR'S CLOSET?!" Lana yells loudly, and I swear there's an echo resounding all throughout Smallville. 

"Okay, okay, nothing to see here people. Show's over!" I tell customers who've stopped dead in their tracks to stare at us. Lana just seems oblivious to all the attention and continues to stare at me, her mouth agape.

Eventually things go back to normal, or at least as normal as things here can get. Lana's shock seems to have worn off and she's now rolling on the coffee-drenched floor, laughing hysterically.

Just then Pete walks in and makes his way over. He sits down in the chair opposite me while looking at Lana and shoots me a quizzical look. 

"The pink has spread to her brain. Doctors don't know if she'll recover." I state matter-of-factly while shaking my head.

"A tragedy." Pete adds, nodding in mock-understanding while Lana finally plies herself off the floor, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Chloe. Closet. Locked. Lex's. Inquisitor. Last night!" She attempts to explain coherently, but fails miserably. 

"Uh, oh-_kay_. I'll think I'll just have what Chloe's drinking. What ever you've drunk might be hazardous to my health." Pete replies and Lana trots off with the order. A few minutes later she returns with a French vanilla cappuccino. When she's not looking, Pete and I casually exchange our drinks and he leaves with a pathetic excuse about doing "homework" as to not be around Lana any more than necessary. Homework. Yeah, right. It's not even September yet.

Lana returns after cleaning up the earlier mess and jumps into the chair beside me, leaning in like our conversation was all of a sudden a deep dark secret, and not one she had just broadcasted to the entire state of Kansas. "So tell me the rest of the story! What happened after Lex found you in his closet?"

"Um… in order for this story to continue, I think I just might need a drink." I say half-jokingly.

I'm surprised when Lana nods in agreement and disappears behind the counter for a few minutes before resurfacing triumphantly with a large bottle of tequila. She hands it to me and sits back down.

"Lana? Aren't you forgetting something?" I ask bemusedly.

She scrunches up her face in what I think is deep thought and shrugs her shoulders. "Like what?"

"Aren't you going to card me?"

"Oh, yeah, right. Can I see some ID miss?"

I reach in my pockets pretending to search for my nonexistent ID. "I, um, must have forgotten it at home."

"Well, are you 21?"

"Uh… yes?"

"Good enough for me. Here you go." And she pours the tequila into a shot glass that seems to have appeared out of nowhere and hands it to me. I look around the Talon and, seeing it nearly empty, happily take the drink. It's like getting permission to get plastered. Granted the permission is coming from another minor, but still.

"Now continue the rest of the story!" Lana whines, and surprisingly I don't cringe. She actually went up a few notches in my book after providing me with free alcohol.

"What story?" I ask innocently, downing my second shot smoothly. She raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, well, in that case, I'll just tell you the story about my dead parents and how I'm all alone in Small—"

"Okay, okay! Let's not resort to torture here."

"I have to get it out of you somehow, and if liquor doesn't work, then extreme measures have to be taken." Lana grins smugly. 

Pouring myself a third shot, I continue the story. "After Lex found me, I decided to get even."

"Enter Plan B." Lana interrupts.

"Right. So, anyway, he's all," I change my voice to a low pitch to sound like Lex. " 'Cecile, baby, daddy needs to take over some more companies' and she's all," I change my voice again, this time to a high pitched one. " 'Okay, I'll just be off on my slutty way and do what sluts do best.' "

"Careful or someone might think you're jealous." Lana teases.

"Jealous? Me? As if." And with that, I down my fourth shot. By this time things are staring to spin a little. 

"So what happened after you did Plan B? You know, getting him all hot n' bothered before saying all you wanted was an interview?"

" 'Hot n' bothered' Lana?" I shake my head while giggling. Since when did I giggle? And while we're on this subject, since when did I confide in Lana? Definitely must be the alcohol. 

Watching Lana turn a slight shade of pink to match her pink shirt, I decided to have some fun. "I bet you'd like to get Clark all hot n' bothered, huh?"

Her eyes widen and she takes the bottle of tequila from me. I groan in protest, thinking she's cut me off, but to my surprise she takes a swig.

When she doesn't say anything, I decide to cut her some slack and just finish my story. "Anyway, Lex got all pissy and locked me back in the closet. The nice cleaning lady opened the door in the morning after she heard me banging to get out. Thankfully I didn't have to explain since she didn't seem to understand any English."

Lana bursts out laughing, sputtering the liquid in her mouth all over me and the table. "I can't believe he locked you in there all night! Did you sniff his boxers?"

"Okay, you know what? No more tequila for you." I grab the bottle away from her and am surprised to find it already half-empty. Pouring another shot for myself, I try to stifle laughter at the mental image of Lana sniffing Clark's boxers. I wonder if they're pink to remind him of Lana. Knowing Clark, they probably are.

"Hey! I have an idea!" Lana announces to the now-empty Talon while jolting up out of her seat. She is unsuccessful in keeping her balance and ends up sprawled out on the floor. "Let's get even with Lex! We'll call it 'Plan C'. What do ya think?"

"What do you have in mind? TP-ing his mansion? 'Cause, ya know, that could be fun…"

"No! I'm thinking somethin' bigger. How 'bout we spike his coffee? Ev'ry mornin' he comes in for one!" Lana smirks evilly.

"Oh yeah, that's _so_ much bigger. Wait, I got it! There's an office party at the Inquisitor tomorrow night! Someone retired or got promoted or whatever. Anyway, that could be the perfect time for Plan C!"

Lana and I both give evil laughs before finishing off the tequila and closing the Talon for the night. Stumbling home while singing "I'm A Slave 4 U", the details of the plan are mapped out. A particular bald billionaire has no idea who he is messing with.


End file.
